As I sit in the airport, annoyed because my headphones are broken and I've finished the novel I was intending to occupy myself with on the three hour flight ahead, my friend and travel partner, Ieuan, said 'Let's just play Monopoly'.
What?! I expressed my confusion, to which he replied 'I've got a two player option, duh' and that's when I realised. He hadn't secretly bought a game of Spanish Monopoly at our local supermarket. No. He was talking about his iPhone, 7 by 5 centimetres of pure genius with an app (excuse me?) for any occasion. It hadn't occured to me that playing Monopoly on the plane would be an option. Armed with my own phone, that cost me less than ten pounds and has been a faithful companion over the twelve months that I've had it for, such things as being able to take photographs, access Facebook or play games on one's phone seems absurd to me, and so far away from my own reality that I don't feel as if I'm missing out at all because the whole concept of 'let's play Monopoly on my phone' seems beyond ridiculous to me.
33% of people that read this blog do so from an iPhone, Android, or other similar pocket robot. I must say, although hearing of any person reading my blog is always a good thing, I'm not so sure that people should be reading blogs on their phones. Phones are for phone calls (the clue's in the name) and text messaging. Not pictures and videos and god only knows what else. They're definitely not for blogs.
iPhones may be wonderful in so many ways but they have without question ruined pub quizzes, and how the hell are you supposed to cheat on your spouse with a phone that displays incoming messages for all to see? They also make stalking a hell of a lot easier (no, I didn't want my entire family to know how drunk I am right now but thanks for checking me in on Facebook), and not to mention make the most banal things appear exciting somehow. Oh here's a sandwich. Instead of eating it I may just show it to everybody on Instagram just to prove what a bloody good sandwich maker I am.
I've also heard of something called WhatsApp, which tells people when you have read their texts, and thus makes it impossible to ignore somebody that is annoying you, but also means you have to stop what you are doing right now and reply straight away to the texter in case they get the wrong impression and come to the conclusion that you are an ignorant piece of shit who hates them. I dread to think how many needy girlfriends have had their relationships ruined over WhatsApp.
More worryingly (in my opinion), is the fact that iPhones make constantly being in touch with people almost imperative. When I'm alone, I like nothing more than to make a cup of coffee, or pour a glass of wine, and chill out to do some creative writing, read a good book or watch an old film. I'd hate to be constantly monitoring Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Blogger, as well as keeping in touch with all my friends and feeling the need to take pictures of everything that I am doing so my Instagram followers aren't disappointed. I can't imagine the stress of it. I'm hopeless enough replying to texts as it is. No matter how hard I try, I just can't have a text conversation. I'll read a message off somebody, get distracted and put my phone down, and before I know it six hours have gone by and the person in question is wondering whether or not I'm alive and still friends with them. Lord only knows how my poor, technophobic brain would cope with all the added stimulation that the possession of an iPhone would bring.
Not only that but this way of keeping in touch with everybody, all the time, often means that you neglect the people you're actually with in the physical world in favour of replying to your friends in cyber space. I've seen too many people sat in groups but choosing to text rather than pay attention to the friends that they have apparently chosen to spend time with. And playing games! I can't think of anything ruder than to be sat with a couple of friends and playing whatever the iPhone's version of Tetris is. You may as well stand up and say 'You're all boring me so much I'd rather be somewhere else' and get it over with. The sad thing is though, that not only do people do this, but it is accepted. Getting your phone out and texting on a date in a restaurant? That's fine. At the cinema? Go for it. What will it be next, church? Funerals? Where do we draw the line?
Google Plus intimidates me enough, even though my friend Liam insists it's a must if you're serious about promoting your writing (or whatever other little bit of you you're desperate to put out there), and that's only an extension of a site I've been using since I knew what the internet was. No, I don't think I could cope with an iPhone. Give me an old Pay As You Go Nokia any day of the week.
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